so last Saturday if you remember it was a beautiful day here in IL.... so on all my errands I had to run that day I took a few moments in between them to take a walk and take a few pics...
theres something about being in the sun, with fresh air and taking a quiet walk amongst these beautiful trees that makes me very happy... it brings me peace.. dealing with anxiety sucks but when I am amongst this kind of environment it's like I am a normal person like I used to be long ago.
what anxiety? what chronic pain?
one thing about me is that I am a thinker, I over analyze, over think things that I should of forgotten already. I should of said that or I wish I could of said that.... shoulda coulda woulda...
I am so tired of being like this you don't even know how tiring it is... I was telling a good friend of mine just this morning that all I want honestly is to be at peace with myself and my surroundings... all I want is to be happy and to try to live my life to the fullest cause you know tomorrow is not promised... I guess the only way I could live that way is if I lived in a bubble.. kind of how I lived in MO.... a bubble life - like that old movie about the boy in the bubble that lived inside that plastic cage so that he wouldn't get sick and die... do you remember that movie???
There is so much I have to learn. I know I am now in my 40s but I honestly still have so much to learn.
Since I have moved back it's been a roller coaster, I believe I have lost a good friend that I truly cared about and honestly right now I am ready to just end that relationship... why should I care... why should I care???????? I ask myself that EVERY F-------in day... why should I care???? I think about the regret that might come one day, but I will have to deal with it then right? I have lost many friends along the way because of a betrayal that happened to me many years ago. Betrayed by two people I really cared about. Because of them I NOW can't deal with the people that are in my life sometimes... I run away and the way I run away is I make myself disappear from their lives. I share this with you so that you can see that my life is not perfect filled with pretty pictures... I want you to see that my life is not all about going out to eat or hanging out with my cousin having a great ole time. my blog is about reality what I go through every day...
Since I have moved back it's been a roller coaster, I believe I have lost a good friend that I truly cared about and honestly right now I am ready to just end that relationship... why should I care... why should I care???????? I ask myself that EVERY F-------in day... why should I care???? I think about the regret that might come one day, but I will have to deal with it then right? I have lost many friends along the way because of a betrayal that happened to me many years ago. Betrayed by two people I really cared about. Because of them I NOW can't deal with the people that are in my life sometimes... I run away and the way I run away is I make myself disappear from their lives. I share this with you so that you can see that my life is not perfect filled with pretty pictures... I want you to see that my life is not all about going out to eat or hanging out with my cousin having a great ole time. my blog is about reality what I go through every day...I have many ups and downs... I have many thoughts of leaving and never coming back... the only thing that keeps me in check are my two boys.... that is it. I care so much for them that I stay and deal with MYSELF and my thoughts everyday... I try to be the perfect person I am supposed to be. The perfect person my mother wants me to be.... the perfect employee, the perfect friend, the perfect ME..... but to be honest I am not PERFECT at all... in no way shape or form am I perfect at all... if I was I wouldn't have anxiety issues, people fear issues, etc. etc.
My counselor said that I am so hard on myself, YES she is totally right... and I probably will never end up at that point of PEACE that I so long for . OH well, there is so much more I could say, but maybe I will leave that for another day. So I shared with you today some of my reality.
Reminder to self when I read this tomorrow - NO REGRETS ANGIE, NO REGRETS....
2 comments:
HUGS HUGS HUGS!! I know that curse of perfection and the one about regrets and sadness and anxiety. It isn't pretty but it IS reality. One day at a time- just one day- one minute at a time if it needs to be to get through AND you WILL get through... Thinking of you...and hoping you are in a better place now:)
I was going thru your blog and came across this entry. You will never lose me as a friend we both have been thru so much in are lives. I'm sorry I could't be there for you, but I also am dealing with so much in my life right now and trying to get thru this tough time. I know you are dealing with your own things and thats why I decide that it would be best if i figure this out on my own. I know you would be there for me but you have enough to deal with and i don't want to put another buried on your back. sorry love ya and we will always be great friends.
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